Which was always the case.
I hate being her. She's killing me.
May-be it's a tie between Sebastian and her, but I am the one on the receiving end of both of them.
And I hate them both.
Jackie is back in the picture. She sent Sebastian a birthday present that he forgot to tell me about for 6 days. It slipped his mind......and so did the phone call that he made her.
She brought him print of one of his favourite buildings in the whole world. Isn't she clever to know such things about him. She also brought his children some books.
But I'm supposed to be completely comfortable and at ease with the whole scenario.
Forgive me, but I'm not.
We had a massive fight, and he called me some lovely names on the phone. The up side? I got to cry, and what a release that was. There is still so much inside, I want to scream and yell. I want break something, there is just so much anger inside me and I don't know how to get rid of it.
So instead of yelling at him and telling him what I think, I'm taking it out on myself.
He was supposed to come to a trivia, a work thing, I advised the gossipers at work, that yes, Sebastian Knight was coming to the trivia night. And I even felt OK, not comfortable at all, but OK, because it was out. The rumours had been confirmed.
Then after the Jackie incident, he pulled out.
I think that he was never really coming to trivia. This was confirmed last night. Less than 24 hours after deciding he wasn't coming, he had arranged for a mate to go to his place, they had dinner & drinks.
He was never coming to trivia.
Was the thought of being seen at a work 'do' to much for him?
I suspect so.
So humbled & totally humiliated, I went anyway.
A huge act in itself, I was thinking as I was driving home that I would be in a fatal car accident
and not show my face.
But I did, I even looked the gossipers straight in the eye. Fuck that was so hard.
I held my head high and got drunk to numb out my pain.
And numb the pain it did, so much so I ended up back at his place. Just where I didn't want to be.
So we fucked and slept and as per usual, I woke at 3am having a panic attack. I got up and went and took a xanax, a half, not even a quarter. I went to the toilet and went back to his bed. I fell asleep, and woke after nine. This is when he came in got naked and we fucked again. He came this morning. I wasn't really into it today so I was glad that he entered me from behind, so he couldn't see my face. It's amazing to just disassociate from your body. My body was just being used, and I hardly felt a thing, my mind was too busy somewhere else.
We had a quick shower and he dropped me to my car.
And that was that, another giant step backwards, right back to 1st May 2009.
I feel so sick in the stomach.
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